*Note: I know not everyone will agree with this. That's fine. But for the rest, I hope this can maybe help someone who's dealing with the same thing or something similar.*
The best way out is always through. -Robert Frost I can easily admit that I have always been the jealous type. Some might attribute that to insecurities (probably, yes). Others might just say it's the "crazy b*tches" who are jealous (sure, whatever). But recently I've been through something. Actually, we've been through something...are still going through something. The "we" in that sentence is my husband and myself. It all started about a week and a half ago. I'll cut through the nitty gritty and just get down to it. I found out my husband had sent messages through an app on his phone to other people, a handful of them, some of them propositioning them to sleep with him. Blindsided.....shocked.....humiliated.....sick. I told him to leave. I told him it made me sick to look at him. How could he do that to me? To us? How could he take the one thing I thought was completely unbreakable and shatter it into a million pieces? What was the most shocking part of all was hearing his explanation the next day. He wrote it in a letter. Let me first say this: He stressed repeatedly that he was not blaming me, but needed to tell me how he felt. He told me for the past couple months he has felt alienated, alone, as if we were just two roommates who had sex every now and then. He didn't feel like I was his best friend anymore who he could confide in and talk to about anything. We talked about work. We talked about stress. We didn't delve in. He said what he knew he should have done was opened up to me, instead of looking for attention elsewhere. Those words cut through me like a knife. I couldn't believe I had made the man who holds my heart feel so alone. I do believe when he says the messages were never going to be anything more than words. He just needed the gratification that someone still found him attractive. Still, it felt like my whole world had been turned upside down and that my husband, the man who is supposed to look to me for anything, couldn't trust me. Now I couldn't trust him. I had no idea this was happening right in front of my face. Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely oblivious. I knew something was going on inside his mind. I knew something was bothering him. He was distant. He wasn't himself. But as his wife, as his best friend, maybe I should have tried harder to initiate that conversation. He blames himself completely. It's been a week and half of tears, fears, extreme sadness, loneliness, questions, anger. Almost every emotion in the book, we've both felt it. But here's what I've learned so far (and I know this journey is far from over)-- I still love this man with all of my heart and soul. That's why it hurt(s) so bad. I know he still loves me, and I know he feels remorse now and did even before I knew what he had done. He's my husband. We both made vows. He messed up, but marriage isn't always 50/50, and right now we need a little give and take to get each other through the hard times. I can't mess up my vows too by giving up on him. I've seen him struggle and cry and pray since then trying to fix it more than I've ever seen him do. Regaining the ironclad trust I once had won't be easy, but I have to try. And here's my takeaway-- We're not perfect. No marriage is. But we did stand in front of our family and friends with God as our witness and vow to give each other the best and worst of one another. We vowed to stay with each other through good times and bad. We vowed to work at it, and we knew it wouldn't always be easy. This is the hardest thing our young marriage has been through so far. I honestly hope it doesn't get harder, but it might. Through thick and thin, I have to remember that he's my ally, not my enemy. And everyone makes mistakes. |